Do you listen to your womb when it speaks?
I have been called recently to write about my journey with my womb. I just so happened to have started a blog so I have a space to share my story.
It all starts when I was 16 years old. I was at school in grade 11. My friends had all gotten breasts, bras, periods, under arm hair, curves, all all that fun stuff.
I at 16 years old couldn’t relate to any of them. I was still 5’9″ and totally a coat hanger for clothes. I had no curves at all. I was told by my family that I was going to have a run way model body. Now in the 90’s the models were all very skinny and typically not so healthy.
I wasn’t of course upset at the comparison that was being made. I mean being told that I was going to end up looking like a run way model has to make any young woman feel good.
Just like any other young woman, I was wondering when I would become a real woman. Then one day, I was about 16 and a half-ish, it hit me. I was hit with pain in my abdomen that I had never felt before. I didn’t know if I had an upset stomach or what what going on. I went to the washroom and there was blood. I knew that it was my period and I knew it was what I was waiting for, but I didn’t know what to do and I was unprepared to deal with it. I rolled tissue into a ball and put it in my underwear so I could make it home without making a mess on my pants.
When I made it home which was just a 10 min walk. I told my mother what was going on and she went my brother to the store and he got me pads. I was way to scared to stick something up inside me. I had no connection with my body at all.
I started using pads and after about 3 months I got really sick of feeling distracted my whole period by the feeling of blood leaking out of me. I just found the whole experience gross. My mother of course gave me IB Prophen for the cramps.
Right from the first day I got my period the cramps were really bad for a day or two. I was told that all I had to do was take drugs and the pain would go away and I could go back to school.
When I decided that I didn’t like the feeling of my flow I got brave and started using tampons. I was able to totally disconnect from my pain and my flow with drugs and tampons. I just had to remember to take the tampons out after so many hours so I didn’t give myself toxic shock. No big deal!
Right from the start I was taught to and was seeking a way to disconnect and cope with what my body was doing. I have to admit that when I got pregnant with my son at 19 I connected a lot more with my body as I experienced having a little human life growing inside me. That was amazing.
I did get midwives and a Doula (birth coach) and I had my son Winston at home. At the time in 1999 when I had him it was unheard of to have midwives and most people had no clue what a midwife or doula ever was.
Many people told me when I was pregnant with Winston that I was going to die trying to give birth to my son at home. Including my family doctor. After I had my son she refused me post natal care.
It’s crazy because now in 2021 it’s totally normal to want to have midwives a doula and a home birth. At the time though I was a trend setter and everyone had something to say about my crazy choices.
Oh it also wasn’t cool to breast feed either so I was going against the grain wanting to do that as well. That is a whole story in itself. Maybe one day I will share my birth story. Despite people’s advice I had a perfect labor and my son was born right on time July 2,1999. He was 8lbs 3/10 of an ounce. Oh ya he was born at 2:44am. I was hoping he would be a Canada Day baby but he chose to come almost 3 hours late. So he was born the day after.
I really disconnected from my period my whole adult life until I ended up getting Mirena. It’s an IUD that is inserted into your uterus. It releases a hormone that stops you from getting pregnant. It also shuts down your period. I was 35 when I had Mirena implanted. Getting it done was really rough. I stood up after the doctor put it in and I almost blacked out. I had to wait like 20 mins till I could even get dressed to leave the room. Then they took me to a bed that was on the floor outside of the room and gave me orange juice and let me rest.
The rest of the day I was out of commission. It really isn’t a big devise but my body didn’t like it at all when it was implanted into my uterus. You think I would have clued in.
My body stopped flowing after what felt like a period that lasted forever and that was it for 5 years. I really didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. I was totally even keel. My emotions were balance, I was healthy. I didn’t think about it again until it was time to take it out. You can only have the IUD in for 5 years and then you have to take it out and have another one implanted.
I had such a hard time with the implantation that I was really nervous about having it taken out. My man Scotty, came to the clinic with me when I had to have it taken out. He was there for me when it was put in so he was prepared for the fact that I might be a mess.
When they took it out it was actually quick and easy and I was totally fine. It had been 5 years since I had felt my womb talk and flow. I was very unfamiliar with the pain and everything that went along with it.
Walking into having a flow again after so long really made me think about how I wanted to approach it. I decided to question what I had been taught in my youth. Being 40 years old I had gone through having a child as well as being sexually active for more then 20 years. I was a lot more mature about my body. I also was an esthetician for 10 years and during that time did a lot of brazillian waxing. That really helped me get over my own insecurities about my Sugarbox.
I had always used drugs and tampons except for that first 3 months where I had used pads. I swore I would never do that again cause it was too gross.
I wanted to really connect with my body and listen to my womb. I have been on a healing, expansion journey since 2012 and I saw this as another way to expand.
I had heard about Diva Cups from girlfriends and seen ads for them. They seemed like a healthy alternative to collect my flow that allowed me to function and didn’t expose my womb to chemicals or potential toxic shock.
It also allowed me to connect more with my own flow.
Then I thought about the question “To drug or not to drug?”
I have never been a person to abuse substance, but I didn’t think anything of taking pain killers because of how I was raised. It was never a big deal to take Tylenol or IB Prophen when I had pain. I did naturally try to avoid taking pain killers for head aches but didn’t think anything of taking it for period cramps.
So, this time I decided I am going to do things differently. I chose to listen to my body when it chose to talk to me. I wanted to reconnect with the pain, my flow, my womb.
I wanted to really hold space and listen to her for the first time in my life.
I have been doing so for a year now and it’s been an epic journey to be honest with you.
Every month has been different. The pain changes from month to month. My emotional state is so different from flow to flow. There have been months where I have been all “Death and destruction to the world. I am going to burn down the whole village.”
There have been months where all I want to do is cry and I feel I am deeply grieving and emotional. I am super sucky and want my man close to me.
My periods are a roller coaster of pain and emotions which is super fun.
One of the amazing things that I noticed was that my emotions and personality were kicked up 10 notches after having the IUD taken out. I realized that for 5 years the IUD was censoring my personality.
Another thing became very clear to me. My sex drive was also effected by the IUD. I though that I had a pretty high sex drive but I was wrong. After I got the IUD out, my drive went through the roof. My sex drive was so intense that I took over my thoughts and it was all could think of and all I wanted.
I felt like a teenager at 40. It was overwhelming and distracting but not in a bad way. I totally embraced it!
It feels good to have a drive like that going into your 40’s.
It showed me just how much the IUD was really effecting my emotions, personality and sex drive.
Everything was turned down and I didn’t realize it until I was free.
Now that I have gone through this process, I have to say, “I would never ever do it again.”
I am done sacrificing my body. Right now at this present time I am free of all hormonal treatments and I am my true self. I am enjoying the roller coaster right and really seeing who I am unfiltered and MAXIMUM EFFORT!
I am not going to lie my periods are very painful and I am forced to spend a day or on the couch with a hot water bottle, tea, chocolate, snacks, and a nice warm blanket.
I have a purpose and I am on a journey now though. I am on a mission to create a relationship with my womb. To next level my connection with my flow, my hormones, my emotions, my sexuality.
I have to say that I am loving being in my 40’s. I have a confidence and self love that I didn’t have when I was in my 20’s. I am comfortable in my body and with my body. In fact for the first time in my life I can say “I love my Goddess body!”
I have a knowing that I didn’t have when I was younger. I know my purpose in this life (I am here to flood the earth with Love!) To put the icing on the cake I think I look sexier than I did when I was in my 20’s.
If there is anything that I would say to 16 year old Harmony if I had the chance to sit down with her before she got her first period it would be this:
“Harmony you are going to experience something that is going to change your life and connect you to the cycle of life.
You have something inside you that creates life.
It is your power center!
It’s where you birth children and create beautiful ideas to bring to the world. It’s called your womb. She has a mind of her own. When she starts talking to you it’s going to be painful, bloody, messy and challenging. It’s going to change every month as well.
This is a time for you to stop and hold space for her. Listen to her and what she has to say. What she wants to flow and release. She holds pain, trauma and emotions for you. Let her talk and release it.
She will also one day hold a little life that will be birthed into the world that will become your reason for existing. Everything you do will be driven by the beautiful being that your womb is going to to grow and birth for you.
Use this beautiful womb to not only create life but to grow and birth ideas into the world. You are a unique and beautiful young woman with a brilliant mind.
Own your power center and work with it to bring what only you can bring to the world. In time you will discover your purpose and work with your womb to fulfill it.
You are going to be encouraged to mute your womb with drugs. You will be encouraged to use things like tampons that will disconnect you from your flow and your body.
I encourage you to use tools like a Diva Cup that will keep you connected and won’t expose you to chemicals or toxic shock.
Allow your hormones to flow and let yourself be the truly wild uncensored wild cat you are.
Be ok with the anger you feel and find a safe space to breath flames. Allow yourself to cry if you feel sad.
Allow yourself to be free in your sexuality and find a loving partner who will hold space for you to expand and enjoy that beautiful journey that is your sexual expansion.
Make your womb your best friend and you will fulfill your purpose and live your life with much greater ease knowing yourself.
Your Power is in your sexuality so don’t ever let anyone take and control it. Own your sexuality and let yourself flow and your connection to your power will flow.
I love you and I hope you can walk into your first flow feeling empowered knowing how to approach your first conversation with your womb. This is a relationship. Start it off on the right foot by listening to her when she talks. You got this my love!”
My words of advice for Harmony and really any young woman on the verge of womanhood. The words I wish my mother had spoken to me so I wasn’t left unarmed walking into a bloody mess.
That being said I wouldn’t change anything about my journey it had made me who I am today. There isn’t a thing I would change about the Goddess I have grown to become. I do want to share my story if per chance a young woman happens to read it and I am able to help her reach empowerment just a little but or perhaps a lot faster.
In conclusion I hope that sharing my story helps Goddesses who are on a journey with their womb and men who are holding space for a Goddess. It means a lot of have a man who is loving and supportive of the Goddess, her womb, the pain she creates and power she holds.
Harmony Woodington C.Ht.